Written by Sean Valant
Thursday, December 26th, 2013
It’s been quite a while since we shared private conversations from our internal Instant Message conference rooms. It is often true that, as we diligently work throughout the day on our many initiatives and projects, hilarity is often ensuing in the various conference rooms.
This particular conversation was initiated by an employee in the Austin office innocently mentioning their desire for certain cookies that would necessitate a trip to Trader Joe’s in the neighboring town of Bee Cave, Texas. This resulted in the following conversation taking place. Before we proceed, for anyone unfamiliar, “TIL” is an acronym for “Today, I learned”:
(10:08:04 AM) Isaac: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bee_Cave,_Texas
(10:08:11 AM) Isaac: TIL there is such a thing as a west pole
(10:08:17 AM) Isaac: And it’s Bee Cave 0_o
While just about everyone is familiar with the North and South Poles, none of us knew that there was such thing as a West Pole. However, the Wikipedia page does state: “In 2007, the Texas Legislature declared the West Pole of the Earth to be located in Bee Cave, TX.”
(10:09:39 AM) Neil: TIL that the Texas Legislature is Science-illiterate.
(10:11:38 AM) Austin: Um…Their logic is really off here: “As there are recognized and generally accepted North and South Poles on Planet Earth, there too must be East and West Poles.” …They are negating the Earth is three dimensions…
(10:12:01 AM) Isaac: Austin, you and I both know it’s flat, cause Texas.
(10:12:08 AM) Austin: ‘Merica
(10:28:00 AM) Austin: Think there is a physical pole up yet?
(10:28:29 AM) Davon: I think I’ll put one out there with an HG flag when I go out there for cookies.
So far, so good, however things then got exceptionally weird when the actual piece of legislation was located: http://www.legis.state.tx.us/tlodocs/80R/billtext/pdf/HR02933F.pdf#navpanes=0
Adopted by the House of Representatives on May 28th, 2007, this legislation states that Texas has all of the following (and we’re not even joking, please go read the exact text at the above link): bluer skies, redder sunsets, faster horses, more unique animals, the most beautiful wildflowers, fatter deer, oranger longhorns, more beautiful women, smarter children, and kinder men.
Now, as Texans we most certainly love our great state of Texas, but how is it even remotely possible to put some of these grandiose claims into an actual piece of legislation? For example:
(10:31:30 AM) Muntek: Rofl, oranger longhorns
(10:32:18 AM) Isaac: Wow
(10:32:24 AM) Isaac: Just reading the first paragraph
(10:33:17 AM) Davon: So I can literally say, I’m gonna have to drive to the West Pole for cookies.
And drive to the West Pole for cookies, he did.
Written by Sean Valant
Thursday, September 19th, 2013
Arrrrggghhhhh!!! Avast all ye skallywags and sea-wenches! This be a very special day, yes it do! Wednesday, September 19th be “International Talk Like a Pirate Day!” It be a very special day! For on this day we asked ourselves a question, and to our own surprise that question was not “where be the rum?!”
No, for on this day we asked ourselves “what be the most ‘pirate’ discount that we could be giving?” The answer became clear, as if it t’was delivered upon our shoulder by our own parrot, aye! The most “pirate” discount was none other than 44.44% off all new hosting packages. Ahoy! That be 44.44rrrrrrr percent, matey! And it be off the first invoice only, what means is the longer billing cycle you choose, the more savings you get, aye!
This discount be valid on any new hosting package, yes it do. It don’t be valid for renewals or extensions of existing hosting packages. To take advantage of this offer (today only), simply use the followin’ coupon code: ARRRSNAP
After settlin’ on that, we then thought to ourselves that discounted domains go mighty fine with discounted hosting, yes they do. They go together just as well as plunderin’ do with pillagin’! As such, we decided to make all new .com/.net/.org/.biz/.info domains only $5 today!
Now, these deals they don’t be lastin’ long; they be pullin’ anchor and settin’ sail for the horizon at 11:59PM CST tonight!
Written by Sean Valant
Saturday, April 6th, 2013
You’ve seen in prior posts how unattended desks at the HostGator offices can become innocent victims to roaming gangs of hooligans armed with pads of post-it notes and bent upon the defacement of perfectly clean work areas. Well, it’s happened once again. And I’m taking it personally, mostly because it was my desk this time.
It all began when I was summoned out of town for a week, on official HostGator business. I received cryptic text messages throughout the week about a “surprise” that I would receive upon my return. Multiple people from multiple departments, acting so innocent and saying how jealous they were about my surprise, and how great of a surprise it was. Little did I know.
No reason to beat around the bush, we might as well just tear the band-aid off in one swift motion. So, here it is; this is what I found upon my return to the office, in all it’s glory:
It hurts even just to look at, I know. Since we’re already here, though, we might as well take this all in piece by piece. Hopefully we can find clues as to the identity of the culprit, or culprits. We must endeavor to put a stop to this once and for all! Let’s have a look from a different angle, maybe that will help us make some sense out of this tragic circumstance:
We’ve come to expect the excessive use of post-it notes, and balloons have even been known to appear from time to time. But tinsel? Tinsel! This is just getting out of hand. Tinsel was never intended to be used in this manner. Tinsel is supposed to be for celebrations! This is no celebration, not at all! And gift wrap! This is a travesty. Let’s look closer as this inappropriate use of tinsel and gift wrap:
The above image is what used to be my mouse. It was placed on a bed of post-its, under a layer of tinsel and then gift-wrapped (well, probably not in that order, likely it was gift-wrapped first, but I digress…). There’s simply no excuse for this sort of behavior, it’s un-called for! Speaking of inappropriate gift wrapping, here’s a couple pictures of my monitors:
To be fair, only one of them was gift-wrapped, the second monitor was pseudo gift-wrapped, but with file folders instead of wrapping paper. I assume either the culprits ran out of wrapping paper, or otherwise were attempting to send me a specific message of some sort. I’m working very closely with Gator CSI in order to determine exact nature of the cause of this misappropriation of file folders, but clearly this was the work of an experienced hooligan.
Moving right along across the desk, we come to the computer tower and telephone; both of which have been treated in a way unbecoming of a computer tower or a telephone. The decorative “Sean” artwork was pre-existing, but everything else shown in this picture likely makes your blood boil! On the right is the telephone, and it’s worth noting that the base and the receiver were both gift wrapped separately. Oh, the humanity!
Truth be told, to this day, the receiver remains still gift wrapped, and will remain so until these culprits are brought to justice! If you’re like me, this is almost too painful to continue, but let’s finish what we started and take a look under the desk:
You can’t really make out what the balloons say in the image above, but I’ll tell you what they say. They say “congratulations.” Congratulations. Clearly this message was hand-picked in order to rub salt in the already very, very painful wound. I have no choice but to keep an eye out around the office, after something like this you really just never know who you can trust. It’s heart-breaking, almost.
And then there was the chair. How can you mess with a man’s chair? To my knowledge, this is the first time a chair has ever been involved in a crime of this nature. “Have a Seat,” it says. Have a seat, indeed!
To show just how far-reaching the impact of these types of activities can be, I will now share with you a picture of what my desk looks like today. We are trying to rebuild, but we just don’t have the resources necessary to make a full recovery yet. It is a sad, sad work space these days:
As mentioned, the telephone receiver remains gift wrapped and there is still lingering tinsel. Not shown: a solitary balloon still under the desk. I don’t know if we’ll ever get rid of all the post-it notes, but at least the mouse has made a full recovery.
If you have any information as to the identities or whereabouts of those who committed this heinous crime, please notify your local authorities.
Written by Sean Valant
Tuesday, February 5th, 2013
Welcome to the third offering of our ever-expanding collection of fake IDs. Posting these blogs seems to have no effect in deterring people from continuing to send us hilariously fake IDs in an effort to fraudulently acquire web hosting. It is unfortunate that our industry is so ripe with this type of activity, but we remain vigilant in the prevention of fraudulent sign-ups. Please enjoy these recent additions to our collection.
As we’ve explained before, if we have reason to believe that an account sign-up may be of a fraudulent nature, we will request that a Government-issued ID be sent in for verification purposes. As was the case with “Heidi,” here:
If, after we receive the aforementioned ID, we then still have reason to believe that everything isn’t on the up-and-up, we will request that the individual then send in a picture of themselves holding their ID. Again, here is “Heidi”:
Following the receipt of this image, we knew that “Heidi” was not legitimate, though I won’t reveal the multiple things that made this abundantly clear. We then sent a reply back informing them of our decision to not host them, and included the following image, which we were able to easily locate via a quick image search:
Up next is Rebecca. She chose to send us an oddly-angled image, though we were quite impressed to see that her license was issued at 2:53pm and has an expiration date of “never.” Aside from her diaper restriction, she is also 19 1/2 feet tall, a “cute driver” and a “love donor”:
Despite having a New Jersey ID, as opposed to a Florida one like Rebecca there, Brian seems to have gotten the same deal on a never-expiring driver’s license. Though Brian seems to have an extra feature: Full Time Baby Status, which is pretty legit. He also lives on Baby Drive Street, also clearly legit. The best part is that Brian’s signature consists entirely of little handprints:
This next ID is interesting and unique in that it simply doesn’t contain a picture at all, simply a blue box where the picture should be. There’s various other things we could point out, like the new text in the fancy font clearly placed over the blurred out background… if not for our keen eye catching the blue rectangle though, this “Danmark” ID card might’ve slipped past us:
Our celebrity portion begins with the “Driver’s International License” of one of the more well-known movie stars of yesteryear, Mr. Steve McQueen. As shown by our past fake ID blog posts, celebrities will stop at nothing to acquire web hosting, even returning from beyond the grave:
Well, I’m not too sure what to say about Jude Law here. I’ll be honest, when this ID was sent to me, I didn’t realize this was a celebrity. Admittedly, it was a female colleague who revealed to me that this was, in fact, an actor named Jude Law. You now have full disclosure on this particular ID. However, Jude if you want web hosting from Hostgator, we’re going to need to see a legitimate ID, sir:
Thus concludes our most recent collection of fake IDs. Surely we’ll be back with more of these before too terribly long. In the meantime, feel safe in the thought that we remain vigilant in our mission to prevent fraudulent sign ups. HostGator: keeping the internet safe from fraud since 2002!