I receive hundreds of emails a month from customer’s thanking me for the great service we provide and even a few letters utilizing the old fashion snail mail method.

The majority of snail mail reviews I receive are complaints about the hosting services my company has provided. The only problem is that more times then not they get my name correct and the company I own wrong.

I decided to have a little fun with my response to them…………

Being a nerd has it perks, Nerds can pickup mad chicks in Second Life, Photoshop acne out of pictures, and if they’re truly 1337, even have a real life girlfriend one day. I know being a nerd sounds glamorous and all, but there are a few major drawbacks. When you’re a nerd, you usually develop a serious case of Big Bonedinitis.

In college, everyone talks about the Freshmen 15, but here at the Gator, we have what’s known as the Hatchling 40. If you come to work at the Gator, it’s usually not a question of whether or not you will gain weight, but instead a question of how much weight you’ll gain and if you’ll ever stop gaining weight. The more Linux you learn, the more weight you’re going to end up packing on.

Big Bonedinitis is no joke. It’s a real disease that destroys lives and is hitting us nerds especially hard. In fact, one of our biggest expenses here at the Gator is replacing furniture that Big Bonedinitis leaves behind in its wake. We’ve broken over 40 leather chairs in the last year alone. We go through so many chairs we now have a room designated as the chair graveyard.

A few of our wall-mounted toilets have even broken off the wall forcing us to reinforce the remaining with stacked bricks. We’ve gone through so many benches that we finally decided to upgrade to a custom built concrete bench reinforced with re-bar. …

We may be calling it prematurely, but so far, this year is off to an amazing start for us ‘Gators. In January, we surpassed all of our previous sales records! We have a new record for sales on both a single day and for an entire month. I wish I could be more excited, but we are having one very serious problem.

STAFFING. Or rather, the lack of it.

Every day I wake up to read about thousands of Americans being laid off of work. Unemployment is hitting new highs in America and yet I’m being forced to, once again, slow down HostGator’s growth due to the lack of qualified employees.

It’s almost as if America’s recession needs to be a full blown depression (If we’re not already there), in order for us to find the employees we are in desperate need of.

If you are a qualified Linux or Windows system administrator in America, on unemployment, and fail to apply for a job with HostGator, you should know that you are a leech on society. There are millions of Americans out there doing everything that they can to find a job and keep themselves from starving to death while we are here begging for you to apply with us!

If you are too lazy to fill out our online job application (doesn’t take long at all), then post a comment and I’ll personally get in touch with you. If you live in another state, we’ll even provide up to $5,000 for relocation assistance to our office in Houston, TX.

The United States of America used to be the land of opportunity, but we have now become the land of bailouts and handouts. A couple days ago, I had to go to the county tax collector’s office and I couldn’t help but notice that the line wrapped outside of the building. A few months ago, I went to the Department of Motor Vehicles and it ended up taking three hours to get to the front of the line. It has been a while since I’ve been to a post office, but I can’t recall one time in my life the line wasn’t at least twenty minutes. …

We have some very exciting, disturbing, shocking, and electrifying news for you!

HostGator Web Hosting is now offering UNLIMITED DISK SPACE, UNLIMITED BANDWIDTH, and UNLIMITED DOMAINS for less than ten bucks a month.

I should be telling you this is a limited time offer and to sign-up while supplies last, but I’m not going to. If you decide to wait a few months, the plan just might change to unlimited bazillion-trillion everything. If you happen to sign up before the unlimited bazillion-trillion plans are released, we’ll be happy to upgrade you free of charge. If you think this all sounds ridiculous, that’s because it is! The “new” unlimited plan is the same plan we were offering a year ago, but now we label it as unlimited.

I wanted to call the plans unlimited last time around. However, due to staffing constraints, we wouldn’t have been able to keep up with the expected growth. A year later, we are finally OVERSTAFFED and ready to change the plan. Up until now, I’ve been slowing sales down on purpose in order for our support to catch up. If history repeats itself, renaming the plan from essentially unlimited to actually “unlimited” will increase our sales by at least 30%.

It’s really that simple.

We change an unlimited plan to say “unlimited” and bam — sales increase 30%, if not more. Many people will argue that “overselling” is evil and that it’s the cause of poor hosting service. This is not the case when it’s managed correctly and the proper staffing is in place. When a hosting company hops on the overselling bandwagon, their sales usually increase exponentially. Since very few companies actually have the capacity to handle a major surge in growth, their quality of service is almost guaranteed to deteriorate.

The support problems HostGator has had in the past weren’t from “overselling.” The problems were actually a result of growing faster than we could hire and train employees. …

I’m very proud to announce that Hostgator has made a $100,000 donation to MD Anderson which is one of the world leaders in cancer treatments and research. They have truly been a pleasure to work with. Working with MD has given many of our employees that warm fuzzy feeling inside that you should have when you are helping people.

I would also like to announce that I feel used, abused, and completely violated on a $25,000 donation hostgator made to One laptop per child. OLPC has a mission to develop cheap laptops for children to educate and express themselves on.

Maybe I’m being a drama queen so please come to your own conclusion based on the following experience…….

It all started with a $25,000 donation being made on their site and the following email being sent shortly after:

“Hello,

I’m the owner of hostgator.com and I just wanted to shoot off an email
to let you know I have just donated $25,000 via google checkout on my
amex. We get dozens of fraud orders a day so the purpose of this email
is to let you know it’s legit. I’m currently on xmas vacation in the
bahamas in the wyndham so the ip isn’t going to match my american address. …

Since moving into our new office located in Houston, we have had many experiences with the homeless. I personally had a homeless man charge at me screaming. “It was you, it was you, f*** the man!” I was ready to gator whoop him if necessary, but luckily it did not have to come to that. Just a few weeks ago we were so privileged to have an artistic bum use our restroom facilities. His medium of choice proved to be feces, with the canvas being the walls, mirrors, door, and even our ceiling!

The homeless problem isn’t just around the HostGator building. It seems that anywhere I travel to in Houston, there is a homeless man begging for money nearby.

Anytime I look out my window I can see at least one or two bums working the street. I’ve been watching the same faces work the same corner for over a year now. Being the business man that I am, it was impossible to look at them without wondering how much money they were making. I asked around… I read a bunch of websites… and all I could find was meaningless statistics without any real field testing being done.

So I did the only thing that any self respecting CEO would do. I became homeless myself.

The experiment was setup so that each day of the week a different popular homeless slogan would be advertised.

Here are the results of our study.

Bum deployed: Brent Oxley, CEO of HostGator
Day of week: Monday
Time in the field: 5:00pm-7:00pm
Slogan: “We need our flea shots anything helps”
Earnings for the day: $26.40
Hourly Wage: $13.20 …